single sprockets cause a spectral fire. |
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i just had to share all these with you guys.
warning: some of these are kind of sick and might be offending to some readers.
hahahahah. but who cares. they're funny as hell.
the railroad
two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "i'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"why is that?" said the other tramp.
"well, i was walking down these tracks last week and i found a £20. i went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
the other tramp said, "that was pretty good, but i think i'm the luckiest guy in the world. i was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. i untied her and took her up there in the trees and i had sex with her for two days.""jesus", said the first tramp. "you are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?""well", the other tramp said, "no, i never found her head."
the english teacher
a young boy comes home from school & his mother says "what did you do today?" to which the boy answers "oh the usual, i had a math test, i got an a in spelling and i had sex with my english teacher."
the mother , aghast, doesn't know that to say. she stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says "go in & tell your father what you just told me!"
the boy goes into see his father & says "gee, mom sure is mad."
the father says "why?"
"i just told her what i did in school today. i had a math test,
i got an a in spelling and i had sex with my english teacher." well the father is beside himself with joy. he gives his son a nudge and a wink and says "congratulations -- you passed a milestone.
i tell you what --let's go out and celebrate. we'll have some ice cream and then i'll buy you a new bike."
to which the boy says --"the ice cream sounds great dad, but let's hold off on the bike a few days -- my ass is killing me."
gross
a guy sitting at the bar realizes the time and says "oh fuck!!!, my wife is going to kill me for coming late again." the bartender laughs in his face and says, "i've got a fool proof plan to get you off of the hook."
the guy is obiviously curious and wants to know what the plan is and so the bartender replies, "first, sneak into your house without making a sound, then slip off your shoes. then tip-toe upstairs to your bedroom door, then sneak into your room, slide under the sheets and go down on your wife. that way, she should have no right to be pissed off at you in the morning."
the guy at the bar thinks this is the greatest idea of all time and procedes to stay at the bar until 3 in the morning. when he finally goes home, he remembers the bartender's advice. first, he sneaks into the house without making a sound and he slips off his shoes. then the guy tip-toes upstairs to the bedroom door and he slips inside.
the guy climbs under the sheets and the guys give the best head of his entire life and it isn't long before all the work is finished and he realizes he should clean up or something. the guys goes to the bathroom to wash up and is shocked to see his wife in the bathroom. the guy says, "what the fuck!!" his wife replies, "be quiet or you are going to wake your mother."
the leper
this guy with leprosy goes to a ballgame. he's sitting there watching when the guy in front of him looks
at him and pukes. the leper thinks, "well, if i am making that guy sick, i'll move." an hour later, the guy looks at the poor leper and throws up.
the leper tells the guy, "if i am making you sick, i'll move." the guy says, "it's not you; watch the game." this goes on until the bottom of the sixth inning. the guy throws up and the guy with leprosy says, "if it isn't me, what is it?" "its the guy behind you using your back for dip.
q: whats the best part about having an etheopian girlfriend?
a: she always swallows.
q: whats the worst part about eating vegetables?
a: putting them back into the wheelchairs.
q: whats the difference between a dead girl and a living one?
a: the dead girl doesn't have a gag reflex.
old couple
there is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. they hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear. she goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look aroung her at the tv.
she opens her legs and says, "you want some of this?"
the husban replies, "hell no, look what it did to your underwear."
big warning: a jesus joke follows.
i repeat. a joke about jesus is next.
please, spare me the comments.
jesus joke
q: whats the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?
a: you only need one nail to hang the picture.
plane crash
so a plane is crashing into the sea and all the passengers are preparing for the crash.
an indian woman begins to put all the scarves she has on, when asked why she replies "because the rescue planes always look for bright colors, i'll be seen for sure"
a chinese woman begins to put on all her jewelry when asked why she replies "the rescue planes always look for shiny objects, i'll be seen for sure."
all of a sudden a black woman begins to take off all her clothes when asked why she replies "honey, cuz everytime theres a crash the first thing they look for is that black box."
mmm. incest.
it's prom night and our poor girl, lets call her sally, has just been dumped by her boyfriend. she is sitting at home, in her prom dress, completley dejected, watching jerry springer. her brother walks in to the room and sees her like this and feels so bad for her. he says to her, "you know, if you weren't my sister, i'd take you to prom myself."
"well, just for tonight," sally says, "pretend you're not my brother."
he thinks it over it for a moment, and then decides it would be cool to take her. he runs upstairs, slips into his father's tuxedo, pulls sally off the couch and takes her to prom.
how sweet, right?
so they have fun, dance with friends, take pictures, do the whole prom thing, just living it up. yay.
on the way home in the car, sally's brother finds himself looking over at her quite a bit. now it has been quite a night. they've danced a lot, even had a bit to drink and ordinarily at this point in the evening, things would start to progress. and our man is thinking about this quite seriously.
"you know," he says to sally, "if you weren't my sister, i'd be pretending to run out of gas right about now."
sally pauses for a moment, then says, "well, just for tonight, pretend you're not my brother."
after a brief thought, her brother turns the lights off, takes the car on to a deserted back road, and kills the engine. then, sitting there in the dark car with his sister, he says, "you know, if you weren't my sister, i'd take you in to the back seat and really show you a good time."
well, just for tonight," sally says, longingly, "pretend you're not my brother."
after a brief moment of thought, her brother okay's the next step, and they move to the back seat.
and he absolutley fucks her brains out. smashes it like an idaho potato.
afterwards, sally says, "wow, you're much better than dad."
"yeah, that's what mom always tells me."
glass flying
a mexican drinks his tequila and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.he says "in mexico our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
an iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camel beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his ak 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. he says "in iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
a us marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his miller lite and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his m-9 beretta and shoots the mexican and the iraqi. he says "in america we have so many mexicans and arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
and last but not least!!!
q: whats the difference between sand and period blood?
a: you can't gargle period blood.
mmm. i hope you enjoyed those as much as i did.
2 days until afi/thursday/coheed.
i'm out.
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